How Lockhart Got in the Hospital
by ZukoLuver
Summary: Would Lockhart be stupid enough to land in the hospital if Voldemort never existed? Yup! Heres how!


**Haha, well, this is alot different from other things I've written. The idea came up in a conversation I had with someone about what would happen if Voldemort didnt exist. So I wondered, would Lockhart be stupid enough to somehow land himself in the hospital anyway? Heck yes!**

**Written for my good friend Sharon who made me a Snape Plushie. I wrote it to amuse her, so if you dont find it funny, I'm sorry. My friends and I have twisted senses of humor.**

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How Lockhart got in the Hospital

Lockhart had been a fine wizard before the accident. Powerful, handsome and rich, he had everything to offer to the woman of his dreams. The only problem was there was no woman in his dreams. No, the objects of his affections were men. Upon deciding that even if he were gay, he was too beautiful to live his life alone, Lockhart joined a Gay Alliance. 

It was there that he met him. He was tall, very tall, with knotty black hair that fell down his back and across the front of his faces in a mustache and beard. His name was Rubeus Hagrid, and in spite of his ruthless and cruel looks, he had a heart of gold and a love of animals. But also attracted to Hagrid was Ruthless and Cruel himself, the drama queen of the group, Severus Snape.

Tall and thin with straight black hair, large eyes, a noticeable nose and pouty lips, he quickly charmed Hagrid with his intelligence and personality; a feat Lockhart didn't understand. How could Hagrid, kind and gentle like being around anyone with such a malicious mind? It took several sleepless nights before Lockhart stumbled upon the answer: Hagrid didn't like being around Snape, he was just too caring to tell him so. That poor creature probably thought Snape was the best he'd ever get out of life and he had better learn to live with it.

Lockhart's heart almost broke at the thought of the tortures Hagrid must go through to secure what he figured was the closest thing he would ever get to happiness. Lockhart vowed that at the next meeting he would single out Hagrid and engage in conversation with the gentle half-giant, to show him that he was likable and deserved better that Severus Snape.

With that happy thought, Lockhart drifted off to sleep, thinking of his future life with Hagrid, where they'd live in comfort and Lockhart would buy him every pet his large heart desired.

But as is custom with all plans laid, during the next day doubt started to seep in. What if Hagrid didn't like him? What if he wasn't charming enough; wasn't handsome enough? And was it possible Hagrid might actually like Severus Snape? Preposterous!

But those vestiges of doubt came back while he sat in the meeting waiting for the arrival of his beloved. When Snape entered the room, all the conversation stopped, all the eyes looked up, and Lockhart could see why.

His hair cascaded down his back in voluminous waves, getting lost against his tight black tee, that showed off the ropy muscles of his shoulders. But the eyes drifted down towards his fine ass encased in tight black jeans. His ensemble was finished by a pair of black stilettos. Lockhart gaped but decided that only meant he had to work harder to achieve his goal.

Snape had just left for the bathroom when Hagrid came in. Lockhart saw this as a sign from above that this was his chance. Striding purposely over, Lockhart introduced himself and struck up a conversation. But soon it was obvious that Hagrid was not interested in him, looking at the door every few seconds. Lockhart began to sweat because he knew his time was running out. Then it dawned on him.

Maybe he was being too strong. Maybe Hagrid wasn't this docile creature that needed to be nurtured and protected. Maybe Hagrid was a tough guy who liked to be in control when it came to romances. Quickly Lockhart changed tactics, switching his attitude from Caring Lover to Boy-Toy Gilderoy. He reached out a hand and touched Hagrid's arm, staring up at his through fluttering eyelashes.

Hagrid's eyes suddenly grew warm, and Lockhart's heart leaped at the thought that he had finally won him over, when a cold voice came from over his shoulder.

"What are you doing with my man?" Lockhart gulped and turned to find Snape standing behind him, arms crossed over his chest, one perfectly manicured foot tapping the ground in his stiletto heels.

"Talking," Lockhart said, sounding braver than he felt. "That's allowed isn't it?"

"Not in my book," Snape sneered flicking his hair over his shoulder and stepping closer. "How about you crawl away now and find some hole to die in and in return, I wont kick your ass back into your mother where you came from."

"Ooh I'm terrified," Lockhart mocked sarcastically, even though he actually was. One did not pick a fight with Severus Snape, especially not when he was in a Diva mood. "I'm quaking. What are you gonna do? Slap me? Careful! You might break a precious nail." Lockhart decided then that since he was probably about to die, he might as well go out with a bang. But there wasn't time for that. At least he'd have a kiss.

"It's a free world sister, and I can do whatever the Hell I want without your permission. In fact…" Lockhart trailed off as he turned around and pressed his lips against Hagrid's, devouring his mouth in a passionate one-sided kiss.

Faster than lightening, Snape reached down and picked up his patented black leather Gucci purse. He swung with all his might and slapped Lockhart right in the jaw, sending him flying. In his last moment of consciousness Lockhart hit the wall with the sweet taste of the groundskeeper lingering on his lips. Then it all went black.

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**See? Twisted sense of humor!**

**Review?**


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